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This position makes him a rare breed — very few straight guys work in professional BDSM. When I was growing up, I wanted to be Tom Hanks. I really did. He was nice, but not a pushover. Playful, but never immature. He liked dogs. He jumped around on a giant piano. He treated his fictional mermaid girlfriend Daryl Hannah like a real lady. Male bsdm was the good guy, and I respected him for that. Given such pure-hearted aspirations, I had no idea I was destined to spend the second act of my adult life tying people up, spanking them with paddles, and erotically crushing their balls in my job as a professional Dom.
Needless to say, I stand out. That said, before I tell you how I got there, I should probably explain why this is such a rare thing. There are many reasons hardly any cis, straight guys work professionally in dungeons, but the primary one that guys who are interested in the practice — particularly as professional Doms — tend to reflect the same pitfalls of toxic masculinity the rest of the male population does. A good way to address these pitfalls is empathetic self-reflection and education, ideally through workshops, lots of practice, and if you plant to go pro, an apprenticeship with a professional BDSM worker who can show you the ropes perhaps literally.
Between trying to shut down abortion clinics, worshipping Rush Limbaugh and praying to the good lord Jesus to give me the strength to abstain from sex, Monica and I diligently supported our local North Carolina church and dreamt of white picket fences. All that changed, though, once Monica and I consummated the marriage, three years after we were wed. I was Then, after nearly a decade together, a major weight loss on my part, a big move male bsdm L. Inwe took the plunge into the world of ethical non-monogamy, and began to explore swinging though we still made sure to pray together first before we went to parties.
I was, for all intents and purposes, a very good boy. Then I discovered Kink. A few years into my marriage, I was surfing the internet for porn and came across a video of a woman who was tied up male bsdm some sort of bondage torture scene. At first, I was totally repulsed. How could anyone get off to something so violent, let alone participate in it on camera?
I watched the whole thing, and it totally rattled me. However, the most surprising part was the ending. Instead of just cutting off like most porn does, an interview with the woman in the male bsdm began. Having just been ravaged, she was glowing. InMonica and I split up and I began to develop my own kinky habits. The place was she took me was small, but it looked like it was right out of True Blood or Blade. Hudsy did the scene with my friend, and it was beautiful. Afterwards, another Dom named Master Feenix brought out this young girl and started to tie her up with ropes.
Almost instantly, I saw her drop into this drug-like state, which I later found out was an altered state called sub-space. He suspended her from the ceiling, and gave her a push to spin her around. As she twirled, I focused my gaze on her face. Her expression was relaxed and happy, just totally blissed out. Immersed in that instant, I felt like I was floating with her, like we were connected by some invisible cord of mutual joy and destiny. Something about seeing her like that touched me on a core level.
My heart started pounding, my A. I had to make this BDSM thing part of me. Hudsy taught me all about negotiation, consent and the altered states of BDSM. When she felt I was ready, she put me in touch with Isabella Sinclairewho took the unorthodox step of putting me on staff at The Domme Collective. During this time, I also met Simone Justicea pro-domme who very skillfully branded me as Mr. Shaw, the upscale suit-and-tie Dom who preached radical acceptance and could connect with anyone.
A post shared by Simone Justice simone. When the dust settled, these three amazing women had given me the skills and confidence I needed to go pro. Only guy in a BDSM male bsdm staffed exclusively by women — gotta be hot, right?
Well, sorta. What about my clients? In most dungeons, that line is sex. Every now and then, a moment of intensity or a psychological connection will turn me on. For me, professional BDSM is not, and will never be, about my needs. Even so, I often have to fight the assumption that the services I provide are thinly veiled excuses to be abusive or misogynistic. The only way to deal with these assumptions, I think, is to prove them wrong. In order to do that, I have to work extra hard to be someone my clients can really let go around; someone they know will treat them with absolute care and respect.
For me, that means creating an environment where someone can explore their sexuality without shame, in a safe place and with radical acceptance. This is something I practice with them before the play even starts, both so they know how to advocate for themselves and I know how to interpret their boundaries.
You always get to change your mind. A big part of going above and beyond to be a safe male figure for my clients is expressing my own vulnerabilities. This is something most male Doms will never do. I understand so much more what it might like to be a woman who walks into a workplace full of men and has to male bsdm herself to be taken seriously. Isabelle Kohn is a sex and relationships journalist, educator and consultant who, for some reason, keeps writing about livestock instead. She writes features and long-form pieces for MEL, usually without the help of Clippy.
View this post on Instagram. Isabelle Kohn Isabelle Kohn is a sex and relationships journalist, educator and consultant who, for some reason, keeps writing about livestock instead. More Stories from MEL.Male bsdm
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